Things I learned this week

“Knowledge is power.” – Sir Francis Bacon

…or was it Kim Kardashian who said that?

I learned this week…

…that Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson, sending a shockwave of despair through the fanatical world of Twilight fans everywhere, shattering dreams of a sparkling vampire happily ever after.  I don’t think my faith in monogamy will ever be restored.

…that water yuppies do exist.  I know, right?  I was just as surprised as you, but my research doesn’t lie.  Until this week, it was a term that was wholly unfamiliar to me.  I stumbled across it while researching houseboats in Amsterdam – a perfect place to hide someone who doesn’t want to be found, by the way.  It’s one of those words that just struck my fancy.  I’m dying to use it in the course of a casual conversation.  I haven’t figured out how I’m going to manage that yet.  When I do, I’ll let you know how it goes.

…that pumpkin patches are rarer than diamonds.  Or, so says my daughter to her friend while enthralled in a game of online Minecraft.   This is good information.

…that an orthodontist visit + a hormonal preteen entering 7thgrade + talks of a full set of braces = E.P.I.C. meltdown.  Take heed people.

…that the Cheer Moms at my daughter’s gym may have finally sacrificed their coach to the almighty Cheer God.   Their perky ponytails, color coordinated tees, and snarky, narcissistic chatter as been oddly absent from practice in recent weeks.  Now who am I going to sit and judge while I should be writing?

…that Jen Garner has made a warm and fuzzy Disney flick.  Excuse me while I bang my head on my desk.

(Pause)

Now that I’ve given myself a headache, I think I’ll go console my broken heart with an Aliasmarathon and a bag of Oreo’s.

that Donald J. Sobol died on July 11, 2012.  I’m not really sure how I missed this, but I did.  He is most noted for penning the Encyclopedia Brown seriesof kid’s books about a boy detective in high top sneakers.  I loved those books when I was young…um…younger.  RIP Mr. Sobol.

…that this week’s awww moment is brought to you by one of the bunnies I stumbled across during a recent early morning walk in the park.  I don’t believe he’s the criminal who has destroyed my flower beds, but I took his picture anyway.  You know, just in case I need to identify him in a line up.

IMG_6095

Things I learned this week

I learned this week…

…that while bears and sharks top my list of the world’s scariest creatures, Cheer Moms run a close second.  My daughter’s gym has been inundated with them the last couple of weeks.   They are like nothing I’ve ever seen, and as I watch them from the safety of my hidden corner, I can hear the voice of Marlin Perkins echoing in my ear:

Today on Wild Kingdom we travel into the barbarous depths of the neighborhood gymnasium in search of the mysterious and elusive creature called the Cheer Mom.    They are a capricious lot, social in nature, tending to move in tightly knit packs of a dozen or more.  We are in luck today, a group seems to be congregating at one end of the tumble track.   As with all of these factions, there is an alpha female among their ranks.  See how her domination of the other members is easily discernible by her superior vocalization, aggressive fist pumping, and springy ponytail.   Note the catty banter.  We believe this behavior to be both a defensive and offensive tactic used by the beta members as they jockey for the coveted top spot.  Collectively, they are fearsome.  Today they appear on edge, dissatisfied by something they see just beyond the balance beams.  An underachieving offspring?  A rogue coach?  It is unclear…

Wait…what’s happening?

They appear to be organizing for something.

If I didn’t know better, I’d say they are preparing for an attack.

Yes, they are on the move.

The rogue coach seems to be the intended victim.

Yes, they have the coach in their line of sight.

He sees them.  Note the terror that flashed across his face.

He tries to escape, but it’s too late, they have him surrounded.

*gasp*

The circle of life is complete.

…that my new neon pink tennis shoes are indeed the most hideous things I’ve ever put on my feet.  I know this because the young hip girl who sits in front of me in Sociology thinks they are “beast.”

…that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are finally going to tie the knot after spawning (and adopting) six children.  I am so relieved.  For a while there, I feared for the survival of the human race should these two forsake the sacred vows of matrimony.

…that it’s the 100 anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic and the fifteenth anniversary of the debut of the James Cameron film.  In honor of this event, we have been given the gift of Titanic in 3D.  You know, because 3D makes everything better.  One might think that the use of 3D technology could  somehow allow the captain to better ascertain the enormity of his impeding doom.  Guess not.

…that Florence + the Machine’s new MTV Unplugged album moves me on a level that I can only describe as transcendental.

Drumming Song

…that there are only 3 weeks left until the end of the semester.  That means the chapter of my life known as Yoga for a Grade must come to a close.  I find myself oddly saddened by this prospect.  I’d like to believe that this is because I’ve come to understand the spiritual melding of the mind and body through meditation, physical strength, and rhythmic breath.  Unfortunately, I think my melancholy has more to do with the knowledge that I will soon lose a wondrous well of writing gold.

…that last but not least, this week’s awww moment is brought to you by Herman the Rabbit who haunts my backyard.  And, yes, I’m pretty sure that Herman is a she, but who am I to argue with my daughter over gender based names.