Egads! I thought they were supposed to be asleep by now!
Run! No wait! Don’t run.
I’ll be completely honest, I was going to pass on a Man vs. Beast blog this week. That is until the spider monkey escaped its enclosure at the Dallas Zoo (my local zoo). It’s the second escape in as many weeks. Talk about instant inspiration!
So…let’s get to it, shall we?
Remember the rash of bee attacks a couple of months ago? Well, they have struck again. This time in the Sunshine State. A man renovating his house was found dead by his family in an upstairs bedroom, surrounded by swarming bees. 60,000 swarming bees, to be exact. It appears the man was in the process of trying to rid the bedroom of the bees himself using store-bought bug bombs. Experts do not believe the bees contributed in any way to the man’s death. They believe he died after falling off a chair that was found near his body. How is it that experts are always so stupid? This man was clearly pushed. By the bees. Duh. [Click here for more].
A couple of weeks ago, at the Dallas Zoo, a female chimpanzee escaped her enclosure and had to be tranquilized. Yesterday it happened again, only this time it was a spider monkey who escaped its habitat. Neither animal made it very far, and it did not appear that they had any specific destination in mind – just out for a stroll. Or were they? This zoo is not new to animal jailbreaks. Last year, a female gorilla made it out of her enclosure and in 2004, a male gorilla actually scaled the outer wall of the outdoor exhibit, getting a brief whiff of sweet freedom before being unceremoniously shot dead by police. Human error at play here? You bet. But these are primates we are talking about here. It is obvious to me that for the past several years, the apes of the Dallas Zoo have been formulating a plan of action – their great escape. [Click here for more].
In Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming, an elk hunter survived a grizzly bear attack by dropping to the ground, covering his head, and playing dead. Glad to see there is at least one hunter out there who reads my blog. Right? [Click here to read more].
Turtles are slow, non-threatening, and unassuming. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t in on this whole animal revolt. In Jack County, Texas, near the town of – wait for it – Antelope, a young woman rolled her vehicle when she swerved to dodge a turtle crossing the road. I wonder how many drunk turtles were hiding in the bushes, laughing their asses off at the calamity their buddy caused.
It’s official. The ninja shark assassins have laid siege to the west coast. Of course, they have not been as successful as their Australian brethren. Or perhaps they just mean to intimidate us with their menacing presence. In Leucadia, California, at Beacon’s Beach a surfer reported that a ten foot long Great White shark circled him before disappearing into the surf. The surfer credits his close proximity to the shore with saving him from what could have been a fatal attack. I doubt that had anything to do with it. If that shark meant to kill him, he would be dead – or missing a limb. [Click here to read more].
At a surfing competition at San Francisco’s Ocean Beach, a competitor was scared out of the water after he spotted a shark barreling down on him. He described it as measuring at least fifteen feet in length and most definitely not a dolphin. Unlike in other recent attacks and sightings, officials did not close the beach and the competition went on as scheduled. Obviously, these surfers have not been properly intimidated. Metaphorically flipping the bird at a Great White shark while dressed up like their favorite food – well, that just plain stupidity. [Click here to read more].
So, I took a step out of my comfort zone and went whale watching in Mexico this year. It scared the crap out of me, but not for the reason you would think. My mind was preoccupied with the horrors of drowning in the very deep, very cold Pacific ocean. Not once did I think about what could happen if one of those whales our guide was so vehemently pursuing actually breached in close proximity to the raft I was riding in. After seeing the video linked below, I think it is safe to say that I will never, ever, ever, ever, go whale watching again. Ever.
Are you ready to find out how far the animals have progressed in their endeavor to take over the world?
Here we go…
A Texas man, diving off the southwest coast of Australia died over the weekend in an apparent shark attack. Officials are taking this latest attack, the third in just two months, very serious. They have organized an aggressive hunt for the shark with orders that it be destroyed on sight. Rumors are flying. Locals believe that they are dealing with a “rogue” shark who has developed a taste for human flesh. Um…duh. Of course, experts scoff at this idea and warn that killing the shark goes against conservation efforts to protect the endangered species. As usual, the experts don’t know shit. To me, it looks like the animals have deployed the big guns Down Under. They have called in the ninja shark assassins. No one is safe now. My advice – stay the hell out of the water! [Click for story]
Near Vancouver Island, a man mistakenly shot his friend when he mistook him for a bear. The two men were camping near the Nitinat River. During the night, one man was awoken by what he thought were the sounds of a bear trying to break into the tent. Instead of trying to first identify the source of the ruckus, he pulled out his gun and began firing randomly, in the direction of the sounds. He hit his camping buddy, who was still asleep, in the face and arms. The man will recover, however, there is a valuable lesson to be learned here – tents are for stupid people; be smart, spring for the hotel room. [Click for story]
A Minnesota man was enjoying some peace and quiet on the porch of his cabin last month, when he felt what he thought was a mosquito brush the back of his neck. Imagine his surprise when he reached back to swat it, only to come in contact with a wet, furry nose. He turned around and found himself face to face with a bear. Having obviously read the manual on how to survive a bear attack, the man did not move a muscle. He sat motionless as he bear stared at him for several seconds before becoming interested in a nearby bird feeder. Still, the man didn’t dare move from his spot. It was a good thing, too. A few minutes later the bear returned to the porch and proceeded to thoroughly sniff his face. Eventually, the bear lost interest and wondered off for good. I think this animal might be one of the few that has not turned against the humans, though, I’m sure that is of little consequence to this man who likely had to change to soiled undies immediately following this encounter. [Click here]
Last week in Newport, Oregon, a surfer was lucky enough to survive what could have been a deadly attack by a Great White. In classic Great White style, the animal attacked from below, lifting the surfer up into the air. Fortunately, the only thing the shark got its teeth into was the man’s board. Beaches were closed as officials kept an eye out for the shark. It seems that Australia’s ninja shark assassins are infiltrating our western coast, as well. Though, this one does not seem as skilled as it’s Aussie friends. The victim, who was understandably shaken by the incident, says he is done with surfing. Finally, a surfer with common sense. [Click here]
Just in case you were not aware of what a classic Great White attack involves:
And lastly, we have the Utah hiker who came across two moose – a male and a female – and decided the only logical thing to was approach them and capture them on film. Thanks to the magic of YouTube, I can bring this man’s stupidity to you. It’s okay to laugh out loud. I did.
I’m going to have to be completely honest here and say that I was prepared to skip this week’s Man vs. Beast entry for lack of any good animal mischief.
Boy, was I mistaken.
I would also like to say before I begin, that when you take this story in its true context, without creative license, it is incredibly heartbreaking both for the man who took his own life and the innocent animals who were gunned down by authorities. I understand that these animals were dangerous to the public at large, however, I really wish there had been a better way to handle the situation. This is a truly tragic story.
Having said that – let the fun begin:
In Zanesville, Ohio, the owner of an animal sanctuary was found dead on Wednesday. Police say that the man committed suicide, but not before releasing all of the animals housed at the sanctuary. Animals such as lions, tigers, bears, and monkeys. The logical question that comes to mind here is: Why? Why would a man who would care enough about these animals to provide them with a secure habitat to live out their days, suddenly release them and kill himself? Things don’t really add up, do they? Well, of course they don’t. This man didn’t kill himself. He was murdered in a sophisticated jail break orchestrated by the animal revolution’s masterminds.
Who are these evil masterminds?
I think you would have to be incredibly naive not to see that this situation has the penguins’ stench all over it. They have been mobilizing for quite some time, recruiting animals where they can, and trying to get their convoluted message of world domination out to the masses. Their mission: to unite the animal kingdom, overthrow mankind, and take over the world. In an effort to increase their numbers, they seized on an opportunity to recruit animals who were already living within the vein of human society. Think of it as a sleeper cell of sorts. They broke into the sanctuary, killed the owner, and released their comrades. Unfortunately, these animals have lived most of their lives in captivity and, although they supported the penguins’ cause, were ill-equipped to handle the severity of the situation. Their lack of training was obvious. Instead of moving stealthily though the brush, the animals frolicked through the fields and out into traffic on a collision course with the gun-toting American public. A drastic and costly miscalculation by the penguins for it was a suicide mission from its inception.
Yes, I know what you are thinking – there were no penguins found at the Ohio animal sanctuary. Of course, there weren’t. From the moment it was evident that the mission was a failure, the penguins were on the move. Where they have gone, is anyone’s guess. But rest assured that this will not be last we hear from them. If nothing else, this incident will only serve to strengthen their resolve to obliterate the human race.
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