Worry not, my faithful followers. I haven’t been eaten by a bear or abducted by aliens or fallen down a deep bug infested hole in the middle of a secluded rain forest.
I’ve been busy. You know, doing stuff.
I’m glad you asked.
The month of May marks the end of my semester and usually goes one of two ways: 1) I am overcome with creativity and spend endless hours either at the keyboard writing like a madwoman or viewing the world through a camera lens snapping photographs of every unfortunate bug and blossom to cross my path; or 2) I am overwhelmed by life, say screw it all, and overdose on trash television.
Sadly, it’s been the latter kind of month, and consequently, my brain is in full-on decomp after watching an endless stream of Ancient Aliens, Married to Medicine (an all-time low for me), and the Real Housewives of Orange County.
I blame science. Specifically, historical geology.
I spent four months immersed in millions/billions of years of earth history- from its origins to the revelation of geologic time to the theories of evolution and plate tectonics. I studied orogenies (the process of mountain building – get your mind out of the gutter), sedimentary deposition environments, bio – and litho – facies, faulting and folding, and learned to age date and correlate rock formations. I can identify a whole slew of fossils based on a laundry list of characteristics. If you ask nicely, I can even give you their kingdom, genus, species and period of existence.
While this is all fascinating stuff, it is not conducive to cultivating creativity – neither is “reality” television. I spent the first 2/3 of May stuck in “left-brain” mode. I couldn’t see the beauty of a rolling field of wildflowers. I only saw an eroded anticline left over from a Mississippian period thrust event. I wondered if it was faulted; if the adjoining basin was filled with terrestrial material; if there was evidence of a transgressive or regressive marine environment; what fossils might be present.
Disturbing, I know.
To combat this troubling trend, I tried to drown my inner geologist with anything and everything offered up by the Bravo network. It worked for a while. Of course, there comes a point when one realizes that consuming junk might be satisfying in the interim, but it lacks sustainability and, in the long-term, is detrimental – sorta like Oreos.
So, what does one do when faced with a situation such as this?
Go to the nearest art museum; attend a historical lecture; read some frivolous fiction; take a trip to the beach.
Kick that “right-brain” bitch out of bed and tell her to get her shit together.
“As life goes on it becomes tiring to keep up the character you invented for yourself, and so you relapse into individuality and become more like yourself everyday.”
– Agatha Christie
I learned this week…
…that it appears I correctly self-diagnosed my nagging stomach ailment. My new doctor confirmed it. Of course, I allowed him to think he was giving me new information. I have learned my lesson there – doctors don’t like it when you tell them how to do their job. I’m not really sure why. Anyway, I am now dealing with strict tiered dietary changes. Up first – no more dairy. I’m not big on the whole milk thing, so at first I thought it was no big deal. Then I saw the list of forbidden foods. I have to give up my hazelnut coffee cream, any and all chocolate, and my sugar-free chewing gum.
Me: Wait what? My non-dairy coffee creamer has milk in it! Are you kidding me?
Nurse: No, Mrs. Isaacs. We don’t kid about these things. However, most people find soy an acceptable alternative.
It smells like dirty feet.
…that, in keeping with the medical theme, pneumonia can sneak up on you when you least expect it. My house has been passing around a nasty little respiratory virus for a few weeks now. Up until last week, I had successfully avoided being slimed. As often happens, my luck ran out. This week I gave in and went to see my regular doctor for the sinus infection I knew was brewing. Turns out – sinus infection + pneumonia. Didn’t see that coming.
…that I received a damn fine grade on my first historical geology exam. A half a point off a perfect score. Take that scary geology with your thinly disguised chemistry, biology, and math.
…that sometimes an individual’s real story is much more interesting than the one I make up for them in my head. For five years, I have spent two nights a week sitting in an old converted grocery store watching my daughter’s gymnastic practice. I am well-known to the staff and the regular parents. The smart ones leave me in peace; everyone else soon learns that I am not a stellar conversationalist.
There is an elderly woman who frequents the gym. She is tall, European – maybe German given her accent, and carries herself with an air of sophistication. I have never spoken more than a few trivial words to her in all these years, but I have long speculated about her story – it is what I do. In my head, she is a warm, kindhearted grandmother, who bakes cookies for the children, tends a small container herb garden on the patio of her retirement community apartment, and enjoys peach Schnapps under the bathing glow of summer moonlight.
This week she sat next to me on the low slung module couch that borders the parents’ corral and talked for one solid hour. I learned:
She is Swiss;
When she was young, she was a chunky chocoholic and her mother sent her to a brutish masseuse in hopes to combat her growing cellulite problem.
Her late husband was some sort of high level Lufthansa executive.
She is now a legal resident of Montreal, Canada.
As such, is only allowed to enter and stay in the U.S. in 6 week intervals. “Such nonsense,” she said with a dismissive wave.
She flies a lot via stand-by.
She believes this makes her an easy target for security.
One time she was frisked because the TSA agent asked her if she had a gun in her carry-on bag and she replied: “No. I like to keep my gun on me at all times.” She concedes this was not the smartest thing she’s ever done, and is convinced she is now on “the list.”
As revenge for No. 8, she likes to pack her bras and undies in the very top layer of her suitcase. She derives a sadistic pleasure in seeing the agents handle her intimates when they search her bags.
This past fall, while attending a Lufthansa gala in Washington, D.C. she broke her hip – I’m still not sure I understand how that happened. Instead of going to the nearest hospital, she got in a car with her friend and proceeded to make the 12 hour drive back to Canada in order to receive “proper” medical attention. (I didn’t think it wise to mention that she was 5 months post-op – right hip replacement – and still walked with a cane.)
She is pissed that as a woman in her seventies, she must now pay $60 per year for medical coverage. “Highway robbery,” she declared.
She wears all of her good jewelry at once because she fears it will be stolen. When I pointed out that she is setting herself up to be mugged, she dismissed me with a brush of her hand and proceeded to tell me about the time she visited India. The time when she thought her newly blessed Hindu talisman had been stolen by the hotel staff. As it turned out, she told me, it was just the gods playing a trick on her because she had been careless with her things. Now she is very careful.
There is much character gold to be mined here. I hope she sits next to me again real soon.
…that the headline “Genesis Death Sandwich” is a real eye catcher. I couldn’t help myself. I had to click and read. I’m still processing:
In the case of Genesis, the slices of white bread are themes of life, and the slimy cold cuts in between are mentions of death.
…that here is another bit of eye-catching nonsense I found tucked in a Salon op-ed entitled “Conservatives Declare War on College“, highlighting the right’s push for cheaper, online higher education in lieu of the more expensive traditional lecture-based programs:
[Daphne] Koller believes that with the right grading “rubric” students can grade each other’s papers even on issues of critical reasoning and grammar, thus solving seemingly daunting logistics problems.
God help us all.
…that Skyfall is even better the second time around.
***Spoiler Alert*** If you have been living under a rock, or are just a slacker who hasn’t found the time to empty your DVR of the amassing Downton Abbey episodes, please avert your eyes now.
…that I may be the only person on the planet who thinks Matthew Crawley had to die. There was just no other way.
…and, last but not least, this week’s awww moment is brought to you by Chihuly. I sure do miss that exhibit.
…that nothing strikes fear in my heart, or pisses me off more than being surrounded by young, obnoxious kids in a freshmen level class. This semester I am taking Intro to Sociology. It is a low-level course and thus, it is expected that the majority of the class will be under the legal drinking age. I knew this going in. I was prepared for it. Turns out one can’t really prepare for a surprise invasion by six hockey players. They sauntered in five minutes after the professor began to take roll, and proceeded to occupy all of the seats at my table. I can’t tell you what to expect this semester in Sociology. I can’t tell you when our first exam will be, or what our first writing assignment entails. However, I can tell you that the six hockey players are all good buddies and play for the same team – their camaraderie is nauseating; Collin College is just a pit stop – they fully expect to be scouted soon; they all think that Sociology is going to be a stupid class; they are all in agreement that it is a good thing that this professor will not be grading attendance – I myself can’t attest to this as I was unable to hear that part of the introduction; and one of them insists that he is from England and can turn his accent off at will – I call bullshit on this one. If he’s English, I’m the queen of Denmark. It’s going to be a long semester; and before it’s over, I might need bail money – and a good defense attorney.
…that Rick Perry has come slinking back home to Texas. I am relieved by this. I don’t look forward to his continued leadership, but at least I can watch the nightly news without seeing his smug mug and incompetent gaffs splashed all over every channel.
…that the librarian who mans the circulation desk at my college library conspires against me, I just know it. I am a huge advocate of their online card catalog system that allows a student to electronically browse all of the districts books, media, etc. I can order any book I choose – as long as it is not checked out – and it will be delivered to my campus. All I have to do is go pick them up. I love this and take advantage of it every change I get. Unfortunately, the books seldom arrive at the same time. This is where the conspiracy comes in. I will pick up part of my order with the expectation that the rest will not be delivered until a later date. Inevitably, twenty minutes after I’ve left campus, the librarian will call me to tell me the rest of my books have arrived. She does this to me every semester. She did it to me again on Friday. I think she holds my books behind that circulation desk of hers and waits until she knows I am too far away to turn around and come back.
…that my new “Yoga for a grade class” is going to very interesting. Very touchy-feely; much like I imagine group therapy to be. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’m not much of a “kumbaya” kinda gal. I’d rather remain anonymous, quietly sitting in the back of the class assessing my classmates. An impossibility in this one. On the bright side, I’m sure I will benefit from the five minutes of meditation that will close out each class period. That just might keep me from doing harm to the hockey team in Sociology. Or, at the very least, allow me to contemplate a proper disposal method.
…that after five months, I finally finished the third installment of Daniel Silva’sGabriel Allon series. I don’t want to give the impression that it wasn’t a good book. It was. Great, in fact. I just have a very hard time committing myself to doing nothing but reading. Yes, I can hear my fellow writers groaning at me. Shut up. I always have something else that takes precedence. Since Christmas, I have been determined to finish it and I had to resort to an audio-book to get the job done. That worked out so well, that I’ve decided that audio-books are not cheating after all and am going to listen my way through the rest of his books. I am already a third of the way through the next one. The only problem I have with audio-books is that sometimes in the carpool line when I am watching the moron’s around me, I lose track of the story and have to back up.
…that I am going to have to step away from Retribution or else I will end up burning it. I tried the weekly word count push, but if the story isn’t there, it isn’t there. No matter how much I desire to finish it, I feel that I am force it. I think I’ve just made it too complicated and I lack the experience to work through. Does this make me feel like an utter failure? Yes, and I don’t want to talk about it.
…that upon editing this post, I notice that I had a lot of negative energy this week. Hmmm…
…that – in trying to find something a little more positive – the smell of new leather in a new car is almost as good as the smell of rich, dark chocolate – but without the caloric consequences.
…and last but not least, this week’s awww moment is brought to you by this adorable baby hippo.
Nutritional health is something very near and dear to my heart. As anyone who knows me can attest, I am very particular about what I deem worthy of ingestion. I can give you a ballpark estimate of the caloric content of just about anything – within reason, of course. I wasn’t always this way. I used to feast unabashedly on anything and everything that caught my fancy. Of course, one cannot overindulged for any length of time without suffering devastating consequences. It’s that whole cause and effect thing. It will bite you in the ass every time. It certainly bit me in the ass. Hard. At my heaviest, I tipped the scales at 170 lbs. That may not seem like much to some, but put that much weight on my frame and, well, let’s just agree that it wasn’t necessarily my most attractive moment. I’ve talked about my awakening before and the journey to meet my weight loss goals. It wasn’t easy. It took discipline, committment, lots of exercise, and constant calorie counting. This may sound burdensome, but after a while the counting became second nature and part of my everyday life. A true lifestyle change. My new normal.
Losing the weight, however, was just one step in the journey. The moment of truth would come in maintaining it. It is something I am still doing and will until I take my last breath. Hopefully, I’ve staved off the end by a few years with my due diligence. Or maybe it will all be in vain. There is always the possibility that I will get hit by a bus crossing the street, but the way I choose to look at it is like this: I will not have to worry about looking fat on the medical examiner’s table when he’s cutting open my chest in search of which blunt force trauma did me in. I say that alone is worth the sacrifice.
This bit of rambling nonsense brings to me to what prodded me into writing this blog entry instead of working on the next Man vs. Beast offering that my husband would rather be reading right now. I am on the campus of a community college twice a week. I come early in order to enjoy a bit of quiet time and finish up any straggling assignments I may have or work on some of my other writing endeavors. Unfortunately, all this exertion of brain power makes me hungry. Sometimes, I have the forethought to stick a couple of things in my bag to nosh on, as I run out the door in the mornings. Sometimes I don’t. Today was one of the days I didn’t. By midmorning my stomach was gnawing at my spine, and I was forced to wander over to the poor excuse for a dining establishment this campus offers.
My husband would say that my disdain for this place is my elitist personality rearing its ugly head. That I am spoiled and am expecting far too much. I would say that I pay good money (cash, paid in full at the beginning of each semester) to attend this school, the least they could do is offer me a decent place to eat with some healthy, nutritional food choices.
How bad could it be, you ask?
Well, I’ll tell you.
My first semester on campus during the lunch time hour was last fall. I naively went in search of a turkey sandwich. I like my turkey sandwich – and every other sandwich, for that matter – simple. Meat, wheat bread, a little lettuce, a tomato or two. No condiments, no added fuss. Easy peasy. I gave my order to the unpleasant lady manning the counter and was horrified by what happened next. She plopped some mystery meat down on a greasy griddle, slathered two pieces of white bread with an equally mystifying oil substance, and then promptly slapped them down on the griddle next to the meat. This was the conversation that followed:
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“You ordered a turkey sandwich. This is a turkey sandwich,” she said giving me a look I can only describe as demonic.
“No it isn’t. I just want a plain turkey sandwich.”
“You know, a sandwich. I don’t want anything grilled.”
“We don’t have that today.”
It turns out that this very nasty woman was right. There was no plain Jane turkey sandwich on wheat anywhere in that place. Every sandwich listed on the “menu” is prepared in this fashion. That’s when I took a good look around and realized that anything that could be remotely considered healthy was relegated to a tiny area next to the cash register. The pickings were slim. Yoplait yogurt – not the fat-free kind (insert eye roll here) – a pre-packaged container of a handful of grapes, a few slices of apple and a couple of crackers, those little single serving cereal things, and some unidentifiable muffins. Though muffins cannot really be considered healthy once you factor in their overall calorie and sugar content.
I left and vowed to never return.
The problem with making vows like that is that you often have to break them out of necessity or desperation. Desperation lead me back into that diner from dietary hell today. I perused the “menu” tacked just outside the door and decided that I would sacrifice some carbs and allow myself the pleasure of a bagel. I took my place in line behind a young man who ordered a hot dog. Not my first choice for breakfast fare, but you have to remember that these are young people who have yet to grow any common sense. I have faith he will learn the error in his way one day. As I stood waiting my turn, I watched the gentleman manning the counter pull a hot dog out of a refrigerated unit, slice it down the middle, opening it up butterfly style, and plop it face down on the greasy griddle. He reached into a bread bag, pulled out a bun, slathered the inside with mystery oil, and slapped it down next to the hot dog.
“Can I help you?”
I realize that this question is directed at me.
“I’d like a bagel, please.”
He gives me the look.
He turns to consult with his co-worker. After a few seconds of whispering, they both turn to me and inform me that they are out of bagels.
“An English muffin?” I saw that on the menu, too. No better or worse for my waistline. The substitution was acceptable.
They shake their heads in unison.
Are you kidding me?
“I don’t want anything then, ” I said in a voice that was probably a lot bitchier than it should have been, but really. Out of bagels AND English muffins, but the guy in front of me can get his fill of fried hot dogs?
Out of pure desperation, I settled on a cranberry muffin and a full fat yogurt. More calories than I wanted to ingestion for breakfast, but I suppose that was my penance for not leaving the house fully prepared for the day.
I cannot help but wonder why, in this day and age of increased awareness in health and wellness, that this diner, or campus for that matter, would choose to provide sub-par food that lacks any significant nutritional value. I understand that this is a public education establishment and there has been quite a lot of fiscal belt-tightening needed to keep up the level of services provided to the growing student body. I also understand that a good number of my fellow students are young people who largely have no idea that the candy bar and soda they are consuming for breakfast every morning will cause them catastrophic health problems down the road. Health problems that you and I and every other taxpayer in America will end up footing the bill for in higher insurance premiums.
Youthful ignorance is a wonderous thing.
However, these young people who throw dietary caution to the wind do not make up the whole of the student body. There are plenty of people like me. People who understand that they are what they eat, and who want a healthy alternative to a fried hot dog and greasy grilled sandwiches and fries. I’m not saying that they have to get rid of this junk food. I would certainly never want to deprive anyone of their sodium and fat fix, but why should this be the only thing available. Why can I not get a salad? A plain turkey on wheat? A fat-free yogurt cup. I’m not even asking for the healthier Greek yogurt. Yoplait is sufficient. I will even pay a premium price for these choices. As would a large number of my fellow students, I’m sure, if they were given the choice.
I understand that with healthy food choices, the mantra “If you build it, they will come”, does not always apply. There are many who are satisfied filling their bodies with junk. However, I’d like to think that with the obesity epidemic that is plaguing our country today and the health issues contributed to such, that more and more people are increasingly conscience of what they ingest and are seeking healthier alternatives. I believe this school’s dining facility is operating way behind the curve and has a lot of catching up to do.
So I’ve identified the problem. What to do about it? Simply bitching about the lack of choices will not bring about change. I think a protest is in order. A picket line? Crudely made signs spelling out our grievances? A sit in? Perhaps we can chain ourselves to the legs of the pool table that sits right outside of the little cafe.
That all sounds very reasonable to me. But then again, as I sit here in the library and scan the room, I see my fellow students drinking Big Gulps, chomping on chips, and snarfing candy bars. Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps no one in this school wants to eat a salad but me.
Perhaps my husband is right and I am indeed an elitist snob who expects for too much from society as a whole.