Okay, maybe not.
But I did run into a spotted leopard, a funny looking bear, and a cheeky koi while on vacation recently.
I’ll be completely honest, I was going to pass on a Man vs. Beast blog this week. That is until the spider monkey escaped its enclosure at the Dallas Zoo (my local zoo). It’s the second escape in as many weeks. Talk about instant inspiration!
So…let’s get to it, shall we?
Remember the rash of bee attacks a couple of months ago? Well, they have struck again. This time in the Sunshine State. A man renovating his house was found dead by his family in an upstairs bedroom, surrounded by swarming bees. 60,000 swarming bees, to be exact. It appears the man was in the process of trying to rid the bedroom of the bees himself using store-bought bug bombs. Experts do not believe the bees contributed in any way to the man’s death. They believe he died after falling off a chair that was found near his body. How is it that experts are always so stupid? This man was clearly pushed. By the bees. Duh. [Click here for more].
A couple of weeks ago, at the Dallas Zoo, a female chimpanzee escaped her enclosure and had to be tranquilized. Yesterday it happened again, only this time it was a spider monkey who escaped its habitat. Neither animal made it very far, and it did not appear that they had any specific destination in mind – just out for a stroll. Or were they? This zoo is not new to animal jailbreaks. Last year, a female gorilla made it out of her enclosure and in 2004, a male gorilla actually scaled the outer wall of the outdoor exhibit, getting a brief whiff of sweet freedom before being unceremoniously shot dead by police. Human error at play here? You bet. But these are primates we are talking about here. It is obvious to me that for the past several years, the apes of the Dallas Zoo have been formulating a plan of action – their great escape. [Click here for more].
In Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming, an elk hunter survived a grizzly bear attack by dropping to the ground, covering his head, and playing dead. Glad to see there is at least one hunter out there who reads my blog. Right? [Click here to read more].
Turtles are slow, non-threatening, and unassuming. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t in on this whole animal revolt. In Jack County, Texas, near the town of – wait for it – Antelope, a young woman rolled her vehicle when she swerved to dodge a turtle crossing the road. I wonder how many drunk turtles were hiding in the bushes, laughing their asses off at the calamity their buddy caused.
It’s official. The ninja shark assassins have laid siege to the west coast. Of course, they have not been as successful as their Australian brethren. Or perhaps they just mean to intimidate us with their menacing presence. In Leucadia, California, at Beacon’s Beach a surfer reported that a ten foot long Great White shark circled him before disappearing into the surf. The surfer credits his close proximity to the shore with saving him from what could have been a fatal attack. I doubt that had anything to do with it. If that shark meant to kill him, he would be dead – or missing a limb. [Click here to read more].
At a surfing competition at San Francisco’s Ocean Beach, a competitor was scared out of the water after he spotted a shark barreling down on him. He described it as measuring at least fifteen feet in length and most definitely not a dolphin. Unlike in other recent attacks and sightings, officials did not close the beach and the competition went on as scheduled. Obviously, these surfers have not been properly intimidated. Metaphorically flipping the bird at a Great White shark while dressed up like their favorite food – well, that just plain stupidity. [Click here to read more].
So, I took a step out of my comfort zone and went whale watching in Mexico this year. It scared the crap out of me, but not for the reason you would think. My mind was preoccupied with the horrors of drowning in the very deep, very cold Pacific ocean. Not once did I think about what could happen if one of those whales our guide was so vehemently pursuing actually breached in close proximity to the raft I was riding in. After seeing the video linked below, I think it is safe to say that I will never, ever, ever, ever, go whale watching again. Ever.
Are you ready to find out how far the animals have progressed in their endeavor to take over the world?
Here we go…
A Texas man, diving off the southwest coast of Australia died over the weekend in an apparent shark attack. Officials are taking this latest attack, the third in just two months, very serious. They have organized an aggressive hunt for the shark with orders that it be destroyed on sight. Rumors are flying. Locals believe that they are dealing with a “rogue” shark who has developed a taste for human flesh. Um…duh. Of course, experts scoff at this idea and warn that killing the shark goes against conservation efforts to protect the endangered species. As usual, the experts don’t know shit. To me, it looks like the animals have deployed the big guns Down Under. They have called in the ninja shark assassins. No one is safe now. My advice – stay the hell out of the water! [Click for story]
Near Vancouver Island, a man mistakenly shot his friend when he mistook him for a bear. The two men were camping near the Nitinat River. During the night, one man was awoken by what he thought were the sounds of a bear trying to break into the tent. Instead of trying to first identify the source of the ruckus, he pulled out his gun and began firing randomly, in the direction of the sounds. He hit his camping buddy, who was still asleep, in the face and arms. The man will recover, however, there is a valuable lesson to be learned here – tents are for stupid people; be smart, spring for the hotel room. [Click for story]
A Minnesota man was enjoying some peace and quiet on the porch of his cabin last month, when he felt what he thought was a mosquito brush the back of his neck. Imagine his surprise when he reached back to swat it, only to come in contact with a wet, furry nose. He turned around and found himself face to face with a bear. Having obviously read the manual on how to survive a bear attack, the man did not move a muscle. He sat motionless as he bear stared at him for several seconds before becoming interested in a nearby bird feeder. Still, the man didn’t dare move from his spot. It was a good thing, too. A few minutes later the bear returned to the porch and proceeded to thoroughly sniff his face. Eventually, the bear lost interest and wondered off for good. I think this animal might be one of the few that has not turned against the humans, though, I’m sure that is of little consequence to this man who likely had to change to soiled undies immediately following this encounter. [Click here]
Last week in Newport, Oregon, a surfer was lucky enough to survive what could have been a deadly attack by a Great White. In classic Great White style, the animal attacked from below, lifting the surfer up into the air. Fortunately, the only thing the shark got its teeth into was the man’s board. Beaches were closed as officials kept an eye out for the shark. It seems that Australia’s ninja shark assassins are infiltrating our western coast, as well. Though, this one does not seem as skilled as it’s Aussie friends. The victim, who was understandably shaken by the incident, says he is done with surfing. Finally, a surfer with common sense. [Click here]
Just in case you were not aware of what a classic Great White attack involves:
And lastly, we have the Utah hiker who came across two moose – a male and a female – and decided the only logical thing to was approach them and capture them on film. Thanks to the magic of YouTube, I can bring this man’s stupidity to you. It’s okay to laugh out loud. I did.
I’m going to have to be completely honest here and say that I was prepared to skip this week’s Man vs. Beast entry for lack of any good animal mischief.
Boy, was I mistaken.
I would also like to say before I begin, that when you take this story in its true context, without creative license, it is incredibly heartbreaking both for the man who took his own life and the innocent animals who were gunned down by authorities. I understand that these animals were dangerous to the public at large, however, I really wish there had been a better way to handle the situation. This is a truly tragic story.
Having said that – let the fun begin:
In Zanesville, Ohio, the owner of an animal sanctuary was found dead on Wednesday. Police say that the man committed suicide, but not before releasing all of the animals housed at the sanctuary. Animals such as lions, tigers, bears, and monkeys. The logical question that comes to mind here is: Why? Why would a man who would care enough about these animals to provide them with a secure habitat to live out their days, suddenly release them and kill himself? Things don’t really add up, do they? Well, of course they don’t. This man didn’t kill himself. He was murdered in a sophisticated jail break orchestrated by the animal revolution’s masterminds.
Who are these evil masterminds?
I think you would have to be incredibly naive not to see that this situation has the penguins’ stench all over it. They have been mobilizing for quite some time, recruiting animals where they can, and trying to get their convoluted message of world domination out to the masses. Their mission: to unite the animal kingdom, overthrow mankind, and take over the world. In an effort to increase their numbers, they seized on an opportunity to recruit animals who were already living within the vein of human society. Think of it as a sleeper cell of sorts. They broke into the sanctuary, killed the owner, and released their comrades. Unfortunately, these animals have lived most of their lives in captivity and, although they supported the penguins’ cause, were ill-equipped to handle the severity of the situation. Their lack of training was obvious. Instead of moving stealthily though the brush, the animals frolicked through the fields and out into traffic on a collision course with the gun-toting American public. A drastic and costly miscalculation by the penguins for it was a suicide mission from its inception.
Yes, I know what you are thinking – there were no penguins found at the Ohio animal sanctuary. Of course, there weren’t. From the moment it was evident that the mission was a failure, the penguins were on the move. Where they have gone, is anyone’s guess. But rest assured that this will not be last we hear from them. If nothing else, this incident will only serve to strengthen their resolve to obliterate the human race.
That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.
What does it matter, anyway? It’s Tuesday and I’m giving you what you want a day early. Surely, that earns me some forgiveness. Yes?
You say, you didn’t notice my lack of post last week? I’m crushed.
Well, for those of you who do care, here are what the animals have been up to since we last met. Enjoy.
**edit** Special thanks to my brother, Rob, for providing me with leads on more than a couple stories used in this weeks blog.
In Newport, Pennsylvania, a bear followed the family dog home and attacked its owners, landing them both in the emergency room with gashes and bite marks. Wardens believe that the bear, likely a female, felt somehow threatened by the dog. Bullshit. That dog is a traitor, a turncoat, the Benedict Arnold of the canine world. As I’ve said for sometime now, there is a conspiracy afoot. This dog is in on it. Remember the biblical story of Jericho? The prostitute Rahab? She let two of Joshua’s spies into the city and protected them until the onslaught of the siege that destroyed everyone but her. Do you see the correlation here? I do. You can read more about this story [here].
If you are an unlucky golfer whose ball ends up in a hazard lake after a shot gone awry, you might want to reconsider going in after it. Why, you ask? Because you just might get eaten by a killer bull shark. Ridiculous? Nope. Just ask the folks at Carbrook Golf Club in Brisbane, Australia. That’s right. After recent floods in the area, the lakes on the golf course have become shark infested water. Seems the shark population in Australia is taking this war on humans very serious. They are expanding the scope of their killing spree to include golfers. You can read more about this story [here].
A woman was attacked by a mule deer near her home in a rural area of Idaho last week. The deer also injured the man who came to her rescue. The article [read here] states the woman tried to play dead in order to discourage the attack. Silly, misguided woman. Everyone knows that playing dead only works in event of a black bear attack. See the photo below:
In New Hampshire, it took nine of Manchester’s finest to pull a stubborn moose from a backyard swimming pool. Not really an attack, I know, but what struck me about this story is the assumption by the everyone involved that the animal was in distress. I don’t think that at all. I think he saw an opportunity to kick back and relax. The swimming pool wasn’t in use. Who was he hurting? No one. Listen up, guys. The next time you see a moose your backyard swimming pool, leave it alone. It’s just looking for some quiet time. Mating season is hard on a fellow. You can see the video and read a bit more [here].
And last but not least…
A bicyclist was picked off by an antelope during a cross-country race in South Africa. This was a strategic attack, well planned, and brilliantly executed on the part of the antelope. This animal is surely the species’ most competent assassin, likely trained by elite fighters determined to take down the humans one biker at a time. I applaud this animal on its accuracy and have now crossed mountain biking across Africa off my bucket lists. Take a minute and watch for yourself.
My perfectionist troll will be happy to see that I took special care in the typing of my title. No embarrassing Freudian faux pas for me this week.
So, let’s delve right in and find out what the animals have been up to since we last checked in on them.
Champion surfer Mathieu Schiller was attacked and killed by an aggressive tiger shark just off the shore of the French island of la Reunion. I had to do a quick Google search on this place because I still haven’t had time to take that geography class. It’s located in the Indian Ocean just east of Madagascar. Good to know – I plan to avoid this area like the plague. Contrary to what the local shark experts says, there seems to be an upswing in attacks in this area of late. A coincidence? I think not. In my opinion, this was not a case of mistaken identity – a shark looking for a tasty seal and mistook the wetsuit clad surfer for prey – but a sanctioned hit. The shark struck suddenly in an attack that lasted nearly 30 seconds and then swiftly fled the scene, the body of the surfer was never recovered. Yea, this has shark mob written all over it. You can read the story for yourself [here].
Last week a 12-year-old girl in Forest Falls, California scared off a bear that had made its way into her kitchen. This is not the first time this particular bear has made an appearance at the girl’s home, nor even the first time he’s tried to get into the kitchen. In the weeks prior, the girl’s father scared it away as it tried to climb in through a screened door. This bear is obviously looking for something, though I suspect, whoever tasked him with this assignment did not take into consideration his lack of subtlety – or immense stupidity. Perhaps they will send a grizzly next time. On a side note, I surely hope the condition of the kitchen as shown in the [this video] is as a result of the bear. If not, perhaps the bear was simply trying to tidy up. Good grief. How do people live like that? ***Thank you very much to my brother, Rob, for sending this one to me.***
An 80-year-old Ohio man is recovering from a lengthy attack by a 6ft tall male kangaroo. It appears this man did not adhere to the rules of Kangaroo Fight Club.
In Idaho, a bow hunter was seriously injured when he and his companion startled a grizzly bear while stalking elk. The man’s hunting buddy doused the bear with “bear pepper spray” and managed to scare it away, likely saving his friend’s life. Okay. So you mean to tell me these
dumbasses experienced hunters trekked out very close to Yellowstone National Park, in an area known to have a substantial bear population, armed only with a bow and arrow and pepper spray? Seriously? Maybe I should send them a link to my Man vs. Beast blogs. They seem to be in desperate need of a refresher course in the dangers of venturing into bear country without proper preparation. You can read about this latest attack [here].
I would like to bring you an update on one of the items I included in last week’s Man vs. Beast entry. It was reported that two men in Montana shot and wounded a grizzly bear, who in turn fled. When the men tracked it down, the bear attacked, killing one man before being killed by the other. As it turns out, the man who died was not killed by the bear at all. He was shot and killed by his friend. Police do not believe this to be anything other than an accident – though, I think I saw this play out differently on an episode of Bones once. You can read the updated story [here].
A man in Roselle, Illinois, died after he was discovered unconscious outside his home this week. The medical examiner has determined that his death was caused by multiple – and when I say multiple, I mean hundreds – of bee stings. This is not the first time this has happened in Roselle. In 2003, a man died after disturbing a hive of yellow jackets while mowing his lawn. No word yet on the species of bees guilty of this attack or if it is connected to the recent attacks on the West Coast and in the Southwest. Could be that we have a rogue colony of bees on a killing spree. I will keep you posted. You can read about this story [here].
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