Well…not really, but I always did like that particular Dr. Suess offering.
So, today was cardio day. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t feeling it. I waged a war within myself on the drive in from the office. Go. Don’t go. Go. Don’t go. It would be so easy to drive right on past the exit. Of course, just as I made my mind up not to go, a nagging little voice inside my head said:
“Hey, stupid. Key West. Swimsuit. Gym. Go. Now.”
I took the exit, changed and went in search of my favorite spinner.
This is one of the drawbacks to exercising in a public gym. People. They don’t seem to grasp the unwritten rules I have decreed upon them. Bike number three is mine.
Not the dude with the swirly tattoos and flat billed hat.
Unfortunately, at this stage in my life, society demands that I conduct myself with at least the illusion of decorum. That means it would be unacceptable for me to pull him off of bike number three and scream “MINE!!!” in his face while kicking him in the stomach. I will have to make do with shooting him my best stink eye – to which he is oblivious, of course.
Being a grown-up sucks.
In spite of the foregoing, people are what get me through days like this when I have absolutely no desire to be sweating like a pig, riding a long imaginary road to nowhere. Of course, I don’t want to interact with them, just watch them and then only as long as they stay off of my cloud and keep their distance. Under the right circumstances, it can be a lot like watching lions in their natural habitat from the safety of the covered jeep. Utterly fascinating with a hint of danger.
Now set their movements to music only you can hear and you have workout motivation gold. It’s better than watching Richard Simmons’ Sweatin’ to the Oldies. What? Never heard of Richard Simmons? Google him. You’ll never be the same. My music choices vary from day-to-day, mood to mood. Some days I’m in the mood for some 80s hair band rock or The Police, other days a little Elvis mixed with a dash of the Beatles and a side of the Stones do the trick. Today, it’s random shuffle day and up first is Gnarls Barkley’s Smiley Faces. This song indeed makes me smile – and want to bust out with the Carlton right here in the middle of the gym. I will refrain for the sake of the children and the elderly.
As I listen to the infectious beat, I settle into the rhythm of the bike (after grudgingly getting on bike number one) and take my first good look around. It’s like gazing out into the Serengeti, a vast array of specimens lie before me. All of them going about the business of getting their fitness on in their own special way. Over in the back corner, you have the predator species better known as the hard-core body builder types. They prance around their marked territory, grunting and groaning as they pump iron. No one daring to venture any nearer than necessary. Until…oh wait…what is this? My music changes to Britney’s Oops! I Did it Again just as a female wanders into their midst. Not just any female, either. It’s my favorite buxom blonde, who I’ve not see in quite some time. A rare treat, indeed. It takes them a minute to notice, but slowly, one by one, they become aware of her. Perhaps because she is now lying supine, legs up and spread wide as she proceeds to do several repetitions on the reclining leg press machine. Men are such simple and predictable creatures.
In the center of the room, amongst the more user-friendly machines, you will find an eclectic group of grazers. They are a lot like me – dedicated but not enthusiasts. Just trying to either lose the bulge or keep the bulge at bay. For the most part, they aren’t all that interesting to me. Just drones flitting from machine to machine. But as Florence & the Machine’s haunting vocals of Howl fill my head, something odd catches my eye. I do a double take. Surely my eyes have deceived me. They haven’t. Coming towards me, through a space in the crowd is a man – a man who the 1970s have surely thrown up on and he’s failed to notice. Or maybe he just doesn’t care. Why else would he consider going out in public with that ridiculous terry cloth sweat band wrapped around his head and those white tube socks pulled up halfway to his crotch? And, as if that weren’t bad enough – and that alone was pretty frightening – his shorts were on the wrong side of too short, leaving little to the imagination. Horrified beyond words by this sight, I take a big swig from my water bottle and pray the bitter bile that is tickling the back of my throat will recede.
Forty-five minutes in, I am treated to another Florence & the Machine tune, Drumming Song, and I pick up the pace. As the sweat streams down my back in earnest now, I catch sight of a class beginning just beyond the glass windows that enclose the room with the dance floor. An aerobic class with dance overtones, it seems. They remind me of those little furry rodent things – Meerkats, I think they’re called – all lined up in nice neat rows. I watch as they begin to move in unison – well almost in unison. Some are quite coordinated, their movements flowing and graceful. Others not so much. They are awkward, stunted even, and struggle to keep up as the intensity of the class builds. This seems to me to be a classic game of survival of the fittest. The stronger ones will dominate while the weaker ones are destined to be trampled upon and left for dead in piles of panting goo on the shiny wooden floor. I shudder at the potential carnage. I vow to never step foot in that room. I would surely be picked off by the stronger members of the pack. A coordinated dancer, I am not.
So, finally the bike’s screen tells me that I’ve accomplished what I didn’t think I could do today. I’ve made it through the entire hour of spinning. I wouldn’t say it passed quickly. An hour is an hour, after all. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t consider getting off at the thirty minute mark. But I didn’t and now it’s over. I head to the locker room to collect my things on legs that feel a little like numb Jell-O – not that I know what numb Jell-O feels like, but I can imagine – feeling quite pleased with myself. I round the corner and BAM! I am accosted by a sight that I should be used to, but sadly, I am not.